PARENTS AND IN-LAWS... YOU ARE NOT A COMPLETE REFLECTION OF THEM, NOR IS YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE

Quick entry before I take off back to Seoul... A little more than half my close friends are married now. As I wrote before, this was the tenth time I've been a groomsmen and I've been an usher at least another ten. I've gone through the first wave (22-25 yrs. old), second wave (27-30 yrs. old), and beginning the third wave (32-35 yrs. old) of marriages among my friends. So I've been involved in many discussions about their married life and all the joys and pains that come along with it.

Digressing a little, some of my friend's spouses I could care for less. For this unfortunate minority, fate, chance, or whatever you would want to label it gave them a bad apple. The type that rots and spreads to the apples around them. These friends slowly become worse in character and/or personality. Naturally, my friendship suffers because of this and we become more distant over the years. I just accept the situation and move on because a person wouldn't expect or ask a friend to choose their husband or wife over himself. Quite silly if a person would even think this. If they do they're probably on crack.

On the other end, you have friend's spouses that you love. You see them make your friend a better person, happier, or just a great complement to them. Life is great for them... until you talk about the in-laws. Not all, but for some friends this is a difficult subject matter. Sometimes the other spouse does not know the degree of frustration, anger, or pain the husband or wife goes through with the in-laws. Sometimes they are bonded by the common view and sufferings.

This is where the emphasis on the importance of family background comes on shallow ground. Especially in Asian families, being from the "right" family or socio-economic background is greatly emphasized in a potential spouse. From this notion, it is assumed they are already at another level of proper manners, principles, and character. Of course these are generalizations that are hoped for. This might be true to some extent, or a person is given a head start with such upbringing but it is far from guaranteed. There are some that focus less on the socio-economic factors and more so on the parents and what type of people they are. This too is far from being a good indicator of your future spouse.

The focus should be on the person whom you fall in love with and whether you have enough information and experiences to decided whether you want to commit to that person for life. I bring this up because the flipside of the prior paragraph is the reality that some of those friend's spouses that I love have the most difficult parents and in some cases psychotic parents. Sometimes you don't really know until after you're married. Many times you don't really spend that much time getting to know the in-laws until after the marriage, so the controlling tendencies, extreme mood swings, poor listening skills, inability to apologize, and other negative behaviors and characteristics aren't manifested until months or years later. Of course this is not just in-laws but situations involving a person's own parents.

One close friend recently went through a difficult period of not speaking with his in-laws for almost a year because his father-in-law became so overbearing in their marriage. Demanding a certain amount of time with them and would get upset if they had to cancel plans due to work or for other legitimate reasons. Obviously his wife also was in agreement with my friend and just wanted to cut off communications for awhile. She had some issues and difficulties with her father's controlling nature growing up, but it seemed to be augmented during their marriage. Another friend had difficulties with an extremely insensitive and materialistic mother-in-law. Her behavior upset his wife so much I became disgusted with the mere sight of her. My childhood friend admits that if his parents were in the same city same him and his wife it would be a huge source of stress and misery.

Looking at these cases, I almost want to say that a person's parents are no indication or reflection of a potential spouse. Of course this is not true. As with much of life, there are bits and pieces from various areas that make up the whole, but you really shouldn't examine the parents if you're in the stage of testing the waters but focus on who he/she is and what stirs inside his/her heart and soul.

Wedding Weekend... Big Guys Eating Stories IV

I got into Chicago on Friday for my grade school friend's wedding. It was a great wedding and fun to see old and close friends I grew up with. I'll write more about this later since I don't have much time right now. I just wanted to mentioned some stories and talks I had with the Joe and Joong Bae. These guys are still hilarious. Joe came in from LA and Joong from Atlanta. We talk about life, food, philosophy, food, old stories, and food.

On Friday during the rehearsal dinner, Joe was full from eating but some people came late and asked for a plate of kung pao chicken in front of him. He took the plate, scooped some of the food onto his plate, and passed it on to them. He then replied, "I have fat man's disease. If food is in front of me I have to have at least some of it."

During the dinner, Joe stated some of his random comments:

"There were two times I know I was the heaviest person in the country. When I went to Kenya and Haiti. Kenya is uncertain since I know there are some fat warlords there."

"One time Joong and I had a four hour conversation on who would win in a fight. First it started as a joke and then it turned into a serious discussion. Joong would be like, 'Come on, Joe. Be serious, I would kill you...' We went back and forth on why one person would be able to beat up the other person."

Conversations eventually led to how much food Joong can eat. Joe said one time Joong came over and said he was hungry. He didn't have much food except corn, so Joong ate 8 stalks of corn. I really don't know how much that is, but Joe insists it's a lot of food. I thought about it and one stalk is probably about a can of corn. For me it would just be strange to just sit there and eat 8 cans of corn. Anyway, then Joong and Joe went to a hot dog stand and Joong ate two hot dogs and fries. Then they went to their friend's to eat duk man doo gook (dumpling & rice cake soup) and Joong ate two giant bowls of it (see EATING STORIES III). Joe said this was one of the most amounts of food he saw Joong eat.

Random Asian Shorts... And Putting a Face to One of the Big Guys

I received various emails on an Asian American video called "Fobman" that a group called New True Talent produced for this year's UCLA's Korean Culture Night. I assume this is a UCLA student group that does various short productions. I definitely give the kids credit on their effort, creativity, and production. The storyline was a little weak at the beginning, but the second half makes it an overall decent short.

I also wanted to help put a face and more information on my friend "Joe" that I've been writing about ever since I started blogging. I recently found out he has a website and blog (jumbo + body = joe). To help verify the truth of my stories and for continuity sake, I just wanted post parts of his own description from his website:

Mostly Useless Information about Me
......
My all time favorite pigout food: Yes
Restaurant: Any place that has the letters b-u-f-f-e-t after the name

Joe cracks me up. He also made this rap spoof video for his church last year. I heard it had more than 10,000 downloads within the first three weeks or so without really publicizing it. I couldn't find the link to the Sony site that had the best download method, but just try the link on his website. Anyway, I guess it just spread around the Korean American Christian community throughout the U.S. Joe has always been a gifted musician and great rapper ever since I've known him in high school.

"MANIMAL" HAS LEFT THE COUNTRY... BEST NICKNAME EVER

One of my close friends just Seoul yesterday. We initially met through my friend Jimmy and quickly became good friends. He lived in Seoul a couple years ago for a year to build a software company and during that time we bonded through chillin', partying, and talking about everything from business to women to family situations. Anyway, I just wanted to write about his nickname. I've heard of numerous nicknames for friends and acquaintances, and I believe his name is the most apt, descriptive, and catchy nickname ever. If you get to know him you will definitely agree. Only problem is that many of his friends don't know this nickname because he's so sensitive about his reputuation and doesn't want any overstated stories floating around about him.

"Manimal" was created by our friend Jimmy after experiencing and learning about how our friend plays. He has no fear, no shame, and lots of game. I've seen him many times approach women on the dance floor, streetside, and random cafes with a silky-smoothness that is rarely matched. One time my younger brother, Manimal, and my friend, Billy, were at a fashion show in Seoul. He picked out who he thought was the most beautiful woman there and looked to talked to her afterwards. Unfortunately, she had left the show floor, but Manimal went outside and saw her leaving in her car. He took a piece of paper, wrote "10" on it, pounced across the pavement, and knocked on her window. He waved the "10" sign in front of her. She rolled the car window down due to curiosity.

"Didn't you see me waving the sign when you were on the runway?" he purred.

"No..." she replied and then broke out in a smile.

It was over. Another prey falls.

Jimmy called our friend "Manimal" but with a complete vision in mind. He always says, "He is truly the 'MANIMAL'... HALF MAN!... FULLY ANIMAL!!"

POSITIVE NEWS FROM IRAQI... LETTER FROM MAJOR ERIC RYDBOM

Forward from a friend. Good change from the stupid sensationalism and negative news that CNN and other media outlets throw at us.

06-23-2003
Iraq Editor's Note: This is an open letter from U.S. Army Maj. Eric Rydbom in Iraq to the First Lutheran Church of Richmond Beach in Shoreline, Wash. Rydbom is Deputy Division Engineer of the 4th Infantry Division.

It has been a while since I have written to my friends at First Lutheran Church about what's really going on here in Iraq. The news you watch on TV is exaggerated, sensationalized and selective. Good news doesn't sell. The stuff you don't hear about on CNN?

Let's start with electrical power production in Iraq. The day after the war was declared over, there was nearly 0 power being generated in Iraq. Just 45 days later, in a partnership between the Army, the Iraqi people and some private companies, there are now 3200 megawatts (Mw) of power being produced daily, 1/3 of the total national potential of 8000 Mw. Downed power lines (big stuff, 400 Kilovolt (Kv) and 132 Kv) are being repaired and are about 70 percent complete.

Then there is water purification. In central Iraq between Baghdad and Mosul, home of the 4th Infantry Division, water treatment was spotty at best. The facilities existed, but the controls were never implemented. Simple chemicals like Chlorine for purification and Alum (Aluminum Sulfate) for sediment settling (the Tigris River is about as clear as the Mississippi River) were in very short supply or not used at all. When chlorine was used, it was metered by the scientific method of guessing. So some people got pool water to drink and some people got water with lots of little things floating around in it. We are slowly but surely solving that.

Contracts for repairs to facilities that are only 50 percent or less operational are being let, chemicals are being delivered, although we don't have the metering problem solved yet (... but again, it's only been 45 days). How about oil and fuel? Well the war was all about oil wasn't it? You bet it was. It was all about oil for the Iraqi people! They have no other income, they produce nothing else. Oil is 95 percent of the Iraqi GNP. For this nation to survive, it must sell oil. The Refinery at Bayji is [operating] at 75 percent of capacity producing gasoline. The crude pipeline between Kirkuk (Oil Central) and Bayji will be repaired by tomorrow (2 June). LPG, what all Iraqis use to cook and heat with, is at 103 percent of normal production and we, the U.S. Army, are ensuring it is being distributed fairly to all Iraqis.

You have to remember that only three months ago, all these things were used by the Saddam regime as weapons against the population to keep them in line. If your town misbehaved, gasoline shipments stopped, LPG pipelines and trucks stopped, water was turned off, power was turned off. Now, until exports start, every drop of gasoline produced goes to the Iraqi people. Crude oil is being stored and the country is at 75 percent capacity right now. They need to export or stop pumping soon, so thank the U.N. for the delay. All LPG goes to the Iraqi people everywhere. Water is being purified as best it can be, but at least its running all the time to everyone.

Are we still getting shot at? Yep. Are American soldiers still dying? Yep, about one a day from my outfit, the 4th Infantry Division, most in accidents, but dead is dead. If we are doing all this for the Iraqis, why are they shooting at us? The general Iraqi population isn't shooting at us. There are still bad guys who won't let go of the old regime. They are Ba'ath party members (Read Nazi Party, but not as nice) who have known nothing but and supported nothing but the regime all of their lives. These are the thugs for the regime who caused many to disappear in the night. They have no other skills. At least the Nazis [in Germany] had jobs and a semblance of a national infrastructure that they could go back to after the war, as plumbers, managers, engineers, etc. These people have no skills but terror. They are simply applying their skills ... and we are applying ours. There is no Christian way to say this, but they must be eliminated and we are doing so with all the efficiency we can muster. Our troops are shot at literally everyday by small arms and Rocket Propelled Grenades (RPGs). We respond. One hundred percent of the time, the Ba''ath party guys come out with the short end of the stick. The most amazing thing to me is that they don't realize that if they stopped shooting at us, we would focus on fixing things more quickly and then leave back to the land of the Big PX. The more they shoot at us, the longer we will have to stay.

Lastly, all of you please realize that 90 percent of the damage you see on TV was caused by Iraqis, not by us and not by the war. Sure, we took out a few bridges from military necessity, we took out a few power and phone lines to disrupt communications, sure we drilled a few palaces and government headquarters buildings with 2000 lb. laser guided bombs (I work 100 yards from where two hit the Tikrit Palace), [but] he had plenty to spare. But, any damage you see to schools, hospitals, power generation facilities, refineries, pipelines, was all caused either by the Iraqi Army in its death throes or from much of the Iraqi civilians looting the places. Could we have prevented it? Nope.

We can and do now, but 45 days ago, the average soldier was fighting for his own survival and trying to get to his objectives as fast as possible. He was lucky to know what town he was in much less be informed enough to know who owned what or have the power to stop 1,000 people from looting and burning a building by himself. The United States and our allies, especially Great Britain, are doing a very noble thing here. We stuck our necks out on the world's chopping block to free an entire people from the grip of a horrible terror that was beyond belief. I've already talked the weapons of mass destruction thing to death - bottom line, who cares?

This country was one big conventional weapons ammo dump anyway. We have probably destroyed more weapons and ammo in the last 30 days than the U.S. Army has ever fired in the last 30 years (remember, this is a country the size of Texas), so drop the WMD argument as the reason we came here. If we find it great if we don't, so what? I'm living in a "guest palace" on a 500-acre palace compound with 20 palaces with like facilities built in half a dozen towns all over Iraq that were built for one man. Drive down the street and out into the countryside five miles away like I have and see all the families of 10 or more, all living in mud huts and herding the two dozen sheep on which their very existence depends ......then tell me why you think we are here. WMD is an important issue. We have to find them wherever they may be (in Syria?), but that is not our real motivator. Don't let it be yours either.

Respectfully,
Major Eric Rydbom
Deputy Division Engineer
4th Infantry Division

A Chinese Roadmap For Korea... Shoutout to John Park

Here's article on China's complex role in the North Korean nuclear crisis written by my friend, John Park. I was psyched to learn that he got his op-ed piece published in the Asian Wall Street Journal. Since I have been writing about the esoteric and soft topic of friendship during the past few days, I might as well talk about John. He's one of the nicest and most solid individuals I have met, which I can't emphasize through words alone. We met briefly when he lived in Seoul for about a year while consulting for BCG, but we really didn't get a chance to further develop our friendship since he was leaving in a few months to start his post-doc program at Harvard. I truly regret it because I had admiration for what I knew of his character and enjoyed his good-natured personality. Also we had common interests in policy and politics, even though he's a little left of me, that helped tie our bond. He's definitely a person I wanted to get to know better, and hopefully I will as our lives move forward.


A Chinese Roadmap For Korea
THE ASIAN WALL STREET JOURNAL
by John S. Park
June 30, 2003

China is one of the few countries that has the political leverage to help resolve the North Korean nuclear crisis, especially when it comes to the crucial issues of brokering a multilateral package deal and verifying the dismantling of Pyongyang's nuclear programs. That solution could best be achieved through a Chinese roadmap, consisting of a two-stage process.

In the first stage, Beijing would need to address Pyongyang's security concerns by sponsoring a nonaggression assurance from Washington, contingent upon the complete and verifiable rollback of North Korea's nuclear programs. In the second stage, the U.S., North and South Korea, China, Russia and Japan would need to agree to a comprehensive, multilateral aid package comprising economic incentives -- such as energy supplies, investment and development loans -- and diplomatic concessions -- such as normalization of ties between Pyongyang and regional powers in Northeast Asia. Both the first-stage nonaggression pact and the second-stage aid package would be part of a structured timetable -- coordinated by Beijing -- to coincide with an irreversible rollback of North Korea's nuclear programs.

Such a roadmap would not reward bad behavior by North Korea because the incremental, multilateral program would be coupled with stringent verification procedures, backed by a strong multilateral deterrence program. Chinese inspectors working in close collaboration with the International Atomic Energy Agency could carry out the critically important function of cataloguing and verifying the dismantlement of North Korea's plutonium-reprocessing and uranium-enrichment programs. Pyongyang would be less likely to object to this, given the alternative of inspection teams composed solely of IAEA or U.S. inspectors.

While the relationship between China and North Korea -- previously described as being as close as "lips and teeth" -- has deteriorated, China remains the only country that has the political ability to play such a sensitive role. That's not because of ideological kinship, but rather because Pyongyang fears China might withdraw the lifeline of oil and food that keeps the Kim Jong Il regime afloat

Although largely unreported, senior Chinese officials warned North Korean Foreign Minister Paek Nam-sun during an early 2003 visit to Beijing that renewed nuclear brinkmanship could seriously strain Chinese-North Korean relations. To reinforce that point, Beijing temporarily shut off an oil pipeline to North Korea. China officially cited technical problems for the three-day shutdown in March of the oil pipeline which runs from its Daqing oilfields to North Korea. But according to a Western diplomat, the episode was an explicit warning to the Kim Jong Il regime that Beijing would not tolerate a further escalation of tensions in the region.

To North Korea analysts, China's recent warnings and stern actions demonstrate a discernible break with its past hands-off approach to dealing with Pyongyang's nuclear brinkmanship. There are three reasons for this. Firstly, the possible humanitarian disaster that might arise should the nuclear crisis spiral out of control. Beijing is concerned about a flood of North Korean refugees streaming into northern China, creating a humanitarian crisis that would not only be debilitating for China but also make it more difficult for Beijing to resist pressure to allow international aid organizations to run refugee camps on the mainland.

Secondly, China needs to guard against any diminution to its prestige should the nuclear crisis escalate into a military conflict. As the predominant military force and budding economic power in the Asia-Pacific region, a confrontation on the Korean peninsula would represent a major foreign-policy failure for Beijing. With an economy that has been flourishing since the mid-1990s, Beijing has garnered the respect of its economically prosperous neighbors. Commensurate with that economic progress has been a rise in its prestige. But a conflict in North Korea would lead its neighbors in Northeast Asia, along with the U.S., to question why China did not play a more proactive role in trying to prevent it.

Thirdly, Beijing wants to avoid any damage to its relations with the U.S. Since the previous crisis over Pyongyang's nuclear ambitions in 1994, the Chinese leadership has been anxious to ensure that differences over how to handle North Korea do not strain Sino-U.S. relations. In the present crisis, it has gone much further than before in trying to broker a solution. That was evident in April, when China hosted trilateral talks on the issue at the Diaoyutai state guesthouse in Beijing. Although the meeting between North Korean, American and Chinese representatives proved unproductive, it demonstrated Beijing's increasingly proactive role in trying to find a solution to the crisis.

Two obstacles remain that could constrain China from playing a larger role. The first is the traditional Chinese aversion to assuming political risk, coupled with its preference for exerting influence from behind the scenes. That means it remains unclear whether China has the political will to expose itself to the degree of international scrutiny that would come with formulating a road map to resolve the nuclear crisis. The second obstacle is how comfortable the Bush administration would feel in allowing Beijing to play what amounts to the lead role in resolving the nuclear crisis. But the more the crisis escalates, the more likely these obstacles are to fade away, as other policy options prove ineffective.

Until now, Beijing's approach to dealing with the nuclear crisis has been best summed up by Sha Zukang, China's former ambassador for arms control and disarmament. In a 2002 speech he said that "dialogue and consultation is the best way to reach consensus on the North Korean issue." Formulating a Chinese roadmap to try to resolve the crisis would be a significant evolution of that approach. The question remains whether Beijing is ready yet to take such a step.


Mr. Park is a postdoctoral research fellow at Harvard University's Kennedy School of Government. His research focuses on North Korea's nuclear brinkmanship.

Defining Friendship... Part III

Friendships Standing the Test of Time... Deeper into the Rabbit Hole

It’s interesting how some friendships blossom and maintain themselves over the course of time. One of my closest friends, Sam, and I only spent one year together during college, but we became life-long friends. At first, he thought I was this young, cocky, punk, which I was, and I thought he was this arrogant Texan. This animosity lasted a few months and we eventually found out that we had some things in common, but our friendship grew out of a mutual respect and admiration for one another. Sam is my wisest friend and the words he pours out is always insightful and refreshing. He’s also a sports fanatic like me, so we can talk about sports for hours. Honest, sincere, raw… crass yet respectful… spiritual yet grounded. I also respect him because he decided to work as a pharmacist before going to seminary and not developing a limited perspective on the world. Many other friends and I have spent more time together and have more experiences built up, but my friendship with Sam will stand the test of time and eternity.

Once you secure that foundation through bonding moments, difficult times together, strong common interests, or mutual admiration, a person can become a friend for life. Sometimes it takes years and sometimes several months. The more experiences and situations that test the friendship and allow you to see the true heart of that person can be enjoyable or disappointing. One of my former colleagues was someone I had great respect for. Bright as hell, nice guy, and had such an untarnished reputation. As we began working together, I thought this was someone I would be friends with. Not close friends since we didn’t have many common interests, but at least a friend. During the course of working with him, I saw a side of him I didn’t respect and found to be disturbing. He was very conscious of his image as a “nice guy” and his reputation to the point of affecting his decision-making as an executive within our company. I found him to be selfish to a degree which made my stomach queasy. Much of this behavior came about during the most difficult times of our company. When you’re in the heat of battle or sh*t hits the fan, I believe these are the times you see a person’s true character come out. After we overcame this period of the company’s growth, he left the firm. I know most of his past and present colleagues believe him to be a “nice guy and standup individual” and this probably will not change until they have gone into the trenches of war with him. I will never work with him again.

At the end of this month I will be standing in my tenth wedding and probably not my last. My close friend, Chung, who I’ve known since second grade is getting married. Just looking back I’ve been blessed with many awesome friendships and experiences that have allowed me to mold me current view on life and friends. My personality just lends itself to making friends easily, but I also believe it is a perspective I learned early in life to have a sincere interest in other people without any pride. I’ve been on various sides of the social square, so I’ve learned how arrogance can hurt a person and discrimination in any form is not beneficial to anyone. I’ve also learned to expect disappointment from friends to a certain degree. I expect people to disappoint me because I have disappointed people. I have learned to become forgiving or accepting of various behaviors and types of friendships. Of course there are behaviors, characteristics, and actions that I will not tolerate from my close friends. I also cannot do it to the degree of people like my father. I respect my father because I believe his patience is almost unlimited when it comes to his friends and people. Even when a friend painfully backstabs him, he still forgives them and treats them well. I would most likely be vengeful and keep a long memory.

Since college when I looked around and saw or heard about these broken friendships and how they unraveled I would become disappointed or sometimes I just think how immature or “high schoolish” the whole situation was. It’s funny because even though most of the people I work with, hangout with, or know are in their upper-20’s and mid-30’s, and some of their behavior seemingly hasn’t changed since high school or even grade school. Broken friendships, petty fights, and bitter hearts still occur well into our 30's... probably 40's and 50's, but I can't write from my experiences yet. It’s amazing that the level of maturity of a fair amount of people hasn’t changed since their youth. Social ineptitude surrounds us all.

In the end, I want to say that the friends that you make in life and the people that you influence are a reflection of how you lived your life and what you treasured. But I know this isn’t necessarily true. Some people just have difficulty in making friends. Some have been scarred by painful experiences. Others might have struck a balance with their careers, so they don’t have time to develop as many close relationships as they want to. Life is complex and how it reveals itself is not always a smooth process. All I can say is that people should cherish every friendship that they have and take the risks when you can to go deeper into that rabbit hole. Or stomp on the ground that you stand on and see who your friends really are and if those are the friendships you want for life. Life is short, so unless you desire to wander for life stake a claim in the land that you want. Expose yourself, bare your soul, and let the seeds grow.

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow grow, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." - George Washington

"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely." - Pam Brown

Defining Friendship... Part II

Distorted View of Friendship and Love... Taking the Next Steps

So for whatever reasons a friendship has begun. How that friendship grows is a different story. Some blossom into life-long relationships that stand the test of time and trials of life. Others quickly wither at the first signs of stress. I really believe the values of the individuals, personalities, and quality of interactions help define the strength of a friendship. One of my friends in New York recently lost a few of his close friends and a handful of others since he decided not to go along the path of partying that they were walking. These were his drinking and clubbing buddies for a few years. The majority of them starting getting into cocaine and he just didn’t want to go in that direction, but still wanted to hangout during the other times. They saw it as he was thinking he was too good for them or he was being judgmental since he wasn’t joining them in their cokefests. Conflicts occurred and most of them started to avoid him. So he learned who his true friends were he told me. Those that respected his decision and still wanted to maintain the friendship. There are a couple other situations I know of where party friends in the end don’t stay together because all they had in common was the dancing at night and drunken heart-to-heart talks. Or others that had friendships through sports teams, but outside of it they had nothing in common. As more responsibility occurs in life, priorities change and it can take more of an effort for people to grow a friendship.

I believe another factor in all of this is how our culture has affected our general thinking about love and friendship. Western culture emphasizes self and self-esteem. So a definition of love in the culture I grew up in is to help increase someone’s self-esteem. You show love and friendship by helping them feel better about themselves; being supportive; and giving encouragement. So a fair amount of times I'm the quack shrink for my friends, and they sometimes have problems in expressing concern or telling one of their friends things they don’t want to hear. They don’t want to get involved even if they know it will benefit their friend. Worst is that I might be friends with the same person, so I'm pressured to talk to that person or I myself feel obligated to do it (default megaphone or middle-man many times). Within Western culture, it can be to the point of overemphasizing the positives and pumping up a person's ego… to give props and say, “My friend is so money… he is the mac daddy of all-time… she is so fly!...” But not to tell them they should stop treating their girlfriend in such a way, slow down on the coke or your work will suffer, stop being lazy about your career, can't take advantage of your friends, stop pissing on the toilet seat, stop getting drunk and cheating on your boyfriend...

In Eastern culture, it is more about saving face and giving honor to a friend. Being in Korea over the past three years has really allowed me to experience how people just don’t want to tell others, including their friends, how they really think and feel. Very frustrating work environment too. Anyway, it’s either a passive-aggressive approach or the veiled-message method in communicating to others. Western or Eastern culture, the bottom line is that people want to make other people feel good about themselves, not step on their toes, or value keeping the status quo. This is a distortion of what I believe love is and should be, especially in the realm of friendship.

A pure example of love is between most parents and their child. Parents want what is best for their child and want to see improvement and growth and development. So they will scold the child, teach the child, talk to the child, comfort the child, etc. In a general manner, I believe the same should be for friends. Love between friends should be about doing what is best for someone, even if it means being honest with them and telling them things they don’t want to hear. Of course, I'm not saying encouragement and being supportive should be abandoned, but that this aspect should not be ignored. Telling friends things that might hurt their self-esteem, but in the end will make them a better person is the right course of action. Of course then it's up to the individual to react or not, but at least you tried to whatever degree. This is where friendship takes the next level. When two people can be humble and honest with each other, and in rare situations to risk the friendship for the betterment of the other person. This is one quality that I believe makes life-long friends.

Continued...

Defining Friendship... Knowing About Someone and Knowing Someone Are Very Different

It was interesting this past Sunday as I sat in church and listened to the sermon. Not focusing on the actual sermon for this entry, but a point brought up by the pastor connected with some thoughts I’ve been having over the past couple weeks. The pastor was saying that you can know about God all your life through reading the Bible and other books, but you will not know God until you have an interaction or experiences that allow you to truly learn about Him. He related this to even a person who is obsessed with a celebrity. For example, a man is an Eminem fanatic. He knows Eminem’s life history, favorite foods, likes and dislikes, dating life, and even owns his first on-stage mike. He might even feel a close bonding with Eminem due to similar experiences or upbringing, or maybe even had one personal meeting a few years ago after winning a trip on MTV’s Fanatic to hangout with him for a day. But the reality is that he still doesn’t know Eminem. He hasn’t had any significant time to really know to some degree how Eminem thinks, reacts, laughs, cries, etc. So knowing someone isn’t an intellectual exercise or the amount of knowledge you have about someone, but the interactions and experiences that bond you and the other person together.

So some of the thoughts I’ve been having over the past couple weeks surround the topic of friendship. What is friendship? How is it defined for me and others around me? How strong are the bonds of friendship in my life and between people around me?

These questions were initiated by a couple situations. One was seeing a friendship between two people I know destroyed over a business deal. Another was seeing how guarded my parent’s have become with some of their friendships. Since growing up, my father would always warn me never to sign a personal loan even for my closest friend because one of his friends did the same and was in debt for millions after his friend fled the country with the money. There have also been situations where my parents helped out some friends during Korea’s economic crisis in 1997 (*parents live half the year in Seoul for business). In one situation, it was a close school friend of my father’s. He was unemployed and had some difficulty in supporting his family. After a year or so, he got a good position in the newly elected government, but never called my parents afterward. After some time, my parents just assumed he was busy, so they called him to see how he was doing, but he never called back. My parents didn’t want the money back or a favor, they just wanted to see how he was doing. My father was hurt by this situation since he assumed his friendship was based on something more than necessity or materialism.

Being a very cynical person, I have looked at many friendships in Korea with a critical eye. Majority of friendships, especially within the generation above, are based on school relationships. You went to grade school, middle school, high school, or college with someone and there is this immediate bond. If I thought about my high school, there were 500 students in my class and just because I went to school with them I wouldn’t consider them friends for life. For some reason, this institutional bond in Korea creates the idea of friends for life. Of course, the closer friends are the ones that spent a significant about of time with each other, but the whole foundation for friendship begins on shallow ground in my eyes. So when I hear of these stories from my father or friend’s parents about how this friend stole from this friend or backstabbed this friend, it really doesn’t surprise me. Not to oversimplify this discussion, the basis of friendship is not the cause of these situations. Money does funny stuff to people, even the most successful ones. And personal integrity plays a factor, as does the personality of the individual, and the culture and development stage of the country. I’m just slowly dragging my toe through the sand to start defining "friendship" in my world.

What is friendship? Some dictionary definitions are: one that is of the same nation, party, or group; one attached to another by affection or esteem; a favored companion. Simple definitions. People might also define it as... "someone you love", "someone you're able to share your inner thoughts with", "can cry with", "those that stop you from making mistakes", "loyal to you", etc.

I believe it can be a common history, common experience, family relationships, or sincere interest in the person that creates the initial bond. The usual cultivation grounds in life are school, gathering of parents, sports teams, work, and common friendships. There are varying degrees of friendship and factors involved that can make this discussion complex, but when I blog I don’t want to write a thesis or think too much so I’ll keep this casual as possible.

Anyway, you typically start out as an acquaintance with someone and numerous factors can push it to the level of friendship. For some, it’s time and familiarity (i.e. trust issues), convenience of the situation (i.e. work friends or limited pool to choose from due to geography or vocation), a strong interest in the person (i.e. fascinating person, just a great person, kind-hearted), or self interest (i.e. professional networking, affiliation with wealth, affiliation with celebrity). Vice versa, some people tend to be cautious with friendships because they had the intimate bond of friendship broken by distrust, betrayal, or some other factor in the past. Some like to keep their circle small because they feel they have limited time and/or resources, and want to focus on the friends that they have. Some are just introverted and want a small set of friends. Some are extroverted get energized by meeting various people. Others have strong selfish motivations that aren’t so well hidden, so people tend not to reciprocate the friendship. Or for other reasons, people do not want to open up to the person, so sometimes it is out of their control.

Continued...