MONEY AND FRIENDSHIPS... SHALLOW GROUND SOME PEOPLE WALK ON

HatTip to my friend, Dave, out in Korea and whom I've known since junior high. Good article by columnist Terri Cullen below. Some parts overlapped with a post I wrote a while back on friendship.

I posted most of the relevant parts of Cullen's article and a side story that is in some ways more meaningful than the rest of the piece. I agree with Cullen who at the end of her article writes, "If a friend is unable or unwilling to be supportive of you through both poverty and prosperity, maybe it's not a friendship worth sustaining."

It sounds like some of these friends mentioned stood on shallow ground in the first place. They might be friends from being neighbors, whether childhood or adulthood, some convenience, or professionally driven. This reminds me of an incident one of my cousins (one of almost 30 first cousins:) went through. He was working at a strategic consulting firm a few years ago and he got promoted to manager in a very short time. One of his friends at the same firm saw him on the day he found out, briefly congratulated him, and then started telling him how difficult it would be and how he thought he wasn't ready. He was the only person not to offer a wholly joyful congratulations. Later that day during a meeting, the same person started to criticize him to a strong emotional degree about a minor issue on the project they were on. During the meeting, the guy got a call and notice that he had been promoted from manager to the next level and all of a sudden everything changed. No tongue lashing or doubts stated about my cousin's fast rise. My cousin said that it was odd and he didn't expect his friend to behave in such a manner since he was one of those nice guys with an even temperament. I knew differently and saw this person in a pressure situation before, so it didn't surprise me. I told my cousin this after holding it in for over a year, and also mentioned that he was too nice in not calling the guy on his behavior, which I would have done.

It's funny how some people can get competitive to such a degree that it would damage their friendship. I guess it can be that their ideals of friendship are shallow and weak or that they are so self-consumed that in the end nothing really matters besides their success, financial wealth, and ego.

I've been blessed with friends from all walks of life, and I cannot ever imagine using money as a measuring stick. I'm sure people have friends that have choosen the road of less money and more time for their lives and family. Some of my friends have left investment banking to the corporate life, or the corporate world for missions abroad. Some of my most intelligent and talented friends are in the ministry, so obviously they are never destinied to compare houses or toys and they could care less. I want to spend a chunk of my professional career in the public sector, so I could care less. Do I live in a bubble? Are a large percentage of society like my cousin's friend and those in the article below? Truth probably lies in the middle. I'm just blessed with great friends:)

THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
FISCALLY FIT
By TERRI CULLEN

Lasting Friendships Can Be Tough When Your Friends Are the Joneses
'The Rock' Stirs Jealousy In a Close Circle of Friends
September 16, 2004

Growing up, Phil Layman often felt second best to one of his close buddies.

"Throughout our lives he always seemed to make more money than me," the 35-year-old network engineer says. "He bought his own townhouse first, and I wasn't able to do it until I got married."

But as Mr. Layman's fortunes changed over the years, so did the friendship. After Mr. Layman and his wife sold their townhouse in the Washington, D.C., area a few years ago, they purchased a single-family home in the pricey suburb of Ashburn, Va.

"When I told my friend we were buying in Ashburn, he seemed a little off put by it. He kept calling it 'Cashburn,' trying to infer that the place was only for people who make a lot of money," Mr. Layman says. "It was the first time I realized that he would always make backhanded comments like that whenever I shared an accomplishment or success of mine." The two have rarely spoken since then.

While loaning or borrowing money may be the fastest way to deep-six long-lasting relationships, just as often it's a shift in household finances that causes friendships to drift apart.

"Money isn't just currency for goods and services in American society, it's who we are. Money is the equivalent of power, status, love, career, and so many other things," says Margaret Shapiro, assistant director at the Council for Relationships, a family counseling and research center in Philadelphia. "When the balance of money changes in a relationship, the meaning of all those underlying things changes as well."

As part of our Keeping Score6 series this week, Fiscally Fit looks at how family finances can interfere with long-term relationships and offers advice on how to keep money from spoiling a friendship.

When Good Friendships Go Bad
Some friendships are seasonal -- blossoming, developing and eventually dying as personal circumstances change. College buddies grow apart after they enter the work force; married people spend less time with their single friends; couples with children gravitate toward other parents; work friendships end with a move to a new position or company.

But money issues also can cause friendships to stumble. (full article/subscription needed)

'THE ROCK' AND MRS. JONES
It's wasn't until our family became the Joneses that I got to see the bad blood that can spill when money and friendship collide. A few months ago, my husband surprised me with an expensive, three-stone diamond ring for our 10th wedding anniversary. (You know, the kind that says you'd marry her all over again -- only now you're willing to go into hock to do it.) While not exactly a showstopper when compared with some engagement rings you see today, the ring dwarfs the hopelessly flawed jewel he popped the question with more than a decade ago. For us, the new ring is "The Rock."

As news of the ring rippled through our circle of friends, the initial response was typical: Women friends raved at my husband's good taste; their mates murmured, "very nice," and needled my husband about the cost.

Later, though, wives who are nearing their 10th anniversaries started dropping not-so-subtle hints to their husbands that they expected similar engagement-ring "upgrades," while those with more than 10 years under their belts flat out demanded it. One male friend angrily pulled my husband aside at a get-together and berated him for setting the precedent.

It's my hope that soon the situation will play out in typical "Keeping Up With the Joneses" fashion: Our married friends will be sporting even more pricey upgrades of their own, and my ring will go back to being what it was intended: a romantic gesture from a generous husband to a fortunate wife.