LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN'S TOP TEN

Top Ten Real Reasons John Kerry Is Running For President

10. To bring renewed tedium and uncertainty to the Democratic party

9. Vows to be the greatest horse-faced President since Polk

8. Couldn't live with himself if he didn't hold a higher office than Schwarzenegger

7. Needs an excuse to get out of a wedding in February

6. Get elected, eat a ton of waffles, become the fattest President

5. Long days on the campaign trail beats sitting around being nagged by the wife to put away the socks

4. An unusually persuasive horoscope told him he should

3. Did you know if the President kills some guy in a bar fight the FBI will make it cool?

2. A leader who supports both sides of every issue is a friend to all Americans

1. Show the world not all Democrats are ass-grabbing womanizers